Always Wanted
by Xenoglossy
Summary: Cloud's guilty conscience catches up with him.


Always Wanted  
By Izzy Girl  
  
It just hit me suddenly. My need to write an FFVII fic was over whelming. Have I ever mentioned my obsession w/ it? No I guess not...  
Surprisingly enough, this is a Tifa/Cloud fic. No, not like that. I hate Cloud and Tifa as a couple. And I have a weird gamer/character relatioship w/ Tifa. I hate her guts, but I'm emotionally attatched to her. Odd, neh?  
*cracks knuckles* oh dear, I think this is my first non-Digimon fanfic. I'm writing this on my dad's computer in record time. Joy!  
FFVII is not mine, but belongs to those amazing geniuses at Squaresoft. Thank you for the greatest gaming expiriences of my life!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It never worked.  
With Tifa I mean.  
In all righteousness, it should've. She loved me, right? She stood by my side through everything. After the final battle, she was the one waiting. She was the one who cared enough to venture into the mess of my conciousness and drag me out of whatever pit I had sunk myself into.  
She'll always love me, I think. No matter what I do, how I change.  
That's loyalty. It's amazing. I can't help but feel as if I'm betraying her. As if I've been netraying her my entire life.  
Don't get me wrong. I do love Tifa, but just not in the way I should.  
I love her because I want to.  
I WANT to love her. In fact there's nothing I want more.  
I want to love her, because then the fact she loves me would mean something.  
Love doesn't mean shit unless it goes both ways.   
But it doesn't. Not in this case, at least.  
Oh, I tried. Lord knows I tried. I spent almost every waking moment of the day with her, smiling as she talked, touching her hand, or her face, trying to savour the beauty that was there.  
I took her into my arms and tried to clear my mind of thoughts. See, hear and breathe only Tifa.  
But that stupid voice in the back of my head would always pipe up:  
"No."  
No...  
Two letters that ruined my life.  
My body would stiffen, and she would draw away, falshing me a worried look through her amber irises.  
"Cloud?"  
The way she would say my name alone spoke volumes of how much I didn't love her.  
  
  
In the end, all I could think of to say were those same words I'd uttered to her so many years ago:  
"I'm sorry Tifa, that I'm not Cloud. I'm sorry I'm not the Cloud you wanted me to be."  
It took her a moment to realize what was going on, but I could see the horror seeping into her face. Her delicate features contorted violently, and she fell stifly to the floor, clenching her tiny, but powerful fists into angry balls.  
I dropped to my kness, and placed my hands on her shoulder, but she tore away.  
"Don't touch me Cloud."  
"Tifa... I..."  
"Don't say anything."  
"But..."  
Suddenly, she cried out, letting the tears burst from the corners of her eyes "STOP! YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE!"  
I was taken aback, but she continued.  
"You don't think I knew? Do you think I'm stupid! Barret warned me. Everyone did... but Cloud, you were my dream. I was living a dream..." her voice tapered off into a whimper, and she met my eyes, a pleading quality staining her own, "I know it doesn't matter but please... please don't leave..."  
I didn't know what to do? How could I stay?  
She KNEW what she was asking me.  
That made me angry. It made it eaisier to leave knowing she had asked me to suffer by dedicating my life to someone I didn't love.  
So that's what I did.  
I left her in a disorginized puddle of heartbreak and I haven't seen her since.  
  
I'm a bastard. That's what they would all say. I'd hate to think what sort of beating Barret has in store for me.  
Maybe I shouldn't have left her. Maybe I'd be happier. I'd certainly have more friend, they all hate me for what I did to Tifa. Sure, Nanaki still visits me from time to time. He thinks the others are shallow to abadon me for such a thing after everything we'd been through.  
But even things with him are akward.  
Maybe...  
No, it's for the better. I'm free. You know, don't you? How free I am? Free of that torturous love I could never have.  
You're happy for me at least, even though you and Tifa were close.  
Even though you can't answer me anymore, I know. You've always been there. The best listener I've ever known.  
Thank you for listening, Aeris.  
  
  
  
owari  
  
  
  
  
Eeee, that sucked, neh? But I for some reason liked it. I wrote that in less than half and hour! Explainations of why it's so short. Hmph... I'm nostalgic now... this is how I always figured Cloud felt about Tifa. After all the girl went through for him, of COURSE he'd be guilty about not loving her! *sigh* about the ending: can't you just SEE Cloud talking to Aeris's grave? Which isn't really a grave. Hey, want a great way to deromanticize that beautiful scene at the end of Disk One? You do realize, of course, that instead of giving Aeris a proper burial, they're just dumping her in a well?  
*Sincerely  
Izzy Girl aka Jenn Lynne "Sparky¤" 


End file.
